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The Perfect Recruit!

PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 8:43 pm
by Aldus Marius
...Adapted from a piece that was circulating around my computer-tech workplace...<g>

The Perfect Recruit

From the Desk of Q Valerius Corvus, Centurio:

-- Performance Evaluation --

I Severus Validus, my Optio, can always be found
II hard at work on the drill field. Severus works independently, without
III wasting Mater Roma's time talking to colleagues. Severus never
IV thinks twice about assisting his commilitones, and he always
V finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
VI measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
VII latrine breaks. Severus is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
VIII vanity in spite of his accomplishments and profound
IX knowledge of his field. I firmly believe that Severus can be
X classed as a high-caliber soldier, the type which cannot be
XI dispensed with. Consequently, I strongly recommend that Severus be
XII promoted to the rank of Centurio, and the order should be
XIII executed as soon as possible.

[Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder as I wrote this. Kindly re-read only the odd-numbered lines! --QVC]

In amicitia,

PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 12:03 pm
by Tiberius Dionysius Draco
Brilliant :D


PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 2:06 am
by Aldus Marius
** Does that mean I got my Mojo back!?! **

PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 2:59 am
by Horatius Piscinus
Yes, three puppy paws.

PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 1:41 pm
by Gnaeus Dionysius Draco
Great 8)

Now *that's* a promotion!

PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 8:47 pm
by Aldus Marius
Hey Draco...!

...New Board rank?

...(Did we even have Domini in the Legions?)

...Are there any other new ranks lurking in the 1500+ stratosphere? ("Must...Keep...Chart...Current...", Mari's O/C Tendencies said, through clenched teeth...)

...Can I get my rank properly spelled?

...and, What is your Feast Day and appropriate sacrifice? ("Cattle on the left, Incense on the right, Keep the kid...")

...Thanks, mi Draco; that was the best bit of Roman humor I've seen today...! >({|;-)

Confidence Course

PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 5:57 am
by Aldus Marius
Avete omnes!

This one is adapted from an Irish joke that was popular after the original Gulf War. Enjoy!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Marius on the Phone with Saddam Hussein:

Ave, Saddam. This is Marius in Roma Mater. We have decided that we will be having a war with ya's.

Saddam: OK, what am I up against?

Mari: Well, we've got m'self, a couple of farmers down from Alba, and 2 pitchforks.

Saddam: OK, but just so you know I have over 500,000 troops at my disposal.

Mari: Hmm. I'll have to call you back. (hangs up)

(calls back)

Mari: Saddam, the war's still on. I've called around and now we have the gladiators from Stabiae, 6 pitchforks and an old ballista.

Saddam: OK. But just so you know, since you called I've put out a conscription order and now have 750,000 troops. I also have over 2000 tanks at my disposal.

Mari: Hmm, let me get back with you. (hangs up)

(Calls back)

Mari: Saddam, the war's still on. We've added the Green Chariot-racing Faction, Lucius Decumius is going to loan us his old ox-cart, and we have acquired 10 bolts for the ballista.

Saddam: Ok. But so you know I've put out another conscription order and now I have 1 million soldiers at my disposal. I've also got over 4000 armored personnel vehicles to get them to the front lines.

Mari: I see. Let me get back with the fellas. (hangs up)

(Calls back)

Mari: Saddam, the war's off.

Saddam: Really, why is that?

Mari: Well, me and the boys got to talking and we decided that we just can't feed and water 1 million prisoners...!

- - - - - - -

In amicitia,


PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 8:00 am
by Aldus Marius
Hauling this topic back up to the top of the heap... (I don't believe it--I haven't added one bit of Roman Humor since well before my Webmaster hitch!) >({|8-|

The good folk at [LatinTeach] do get around the 'Net when they're not poring over homework assignments and lesson plans. Summer's an even better time to explore. Someones did...and found this:

That's issue 44 of something called, appropriately the "Irregular Webcomic". A lot of it is geek humor (hence, a strong recommend for our crowd! <g>)...and then, every once in awhile, they pull a stunt like this:


I've been told that there was also, in an earlier stretch, a parody of "Imperial Rome". I haven't read it yet, but when I find it, I will!


Accident Report

PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 6:49 am
by Aldus Marius
Only tangentially Roman...but classical, and chock full of officialese: an Air Force mishap report on the test-flight of the Icarus. >({|;-)

(Taken from a posting to a private newsgroup by P. D. Rieden)

Accident Report (abstract)
Site of accident: 5 miles north west of Crete
Date of Accident: Approx 250 BC
Aircraft Type: Homebuilt, Man-Powered (ultralight class)
Injuries: 1 (fatal)
Investigator: Glutinous Maximus (Head of Air Ops, Mediterranean Sector)
Date of Report: 1/1/0001

Details of Accident

Considerable delay has occurred between the accident and the investigation, so the following notes detail the facts that have been established. The aircraft was a homebuilt ultra-light of original design, one of two constructed. The aircraft was constructed from a range of novel composite materials. The accident occurred on the first flight of the type. The pilot was the co-designer of the aircraft, and at the time of the accident had a total time of 25 minutes (all on type). At the time of the flight the wind was 180/3kts and cloud cover was 0/10 at all altitudes.

There are no records of the pre-flight inspection, indeed the indications are that none was performed. On the day of the accident witnesses report the aircraft to have successfully taken off from Crete, the pilot having announced the intention of making for Greece (although no flight-plan had been filed). The flight was in company of another aircraft of the same type flown by the co-designer and father of the pilot. The second aircraft was also on its maiden flight, and its pilot also had no experience on the type prior to the flight. Approximately 25 minutes into the flight, some 5 miles north west of Crete, the aircraft was observed to climb to a considerably higher altitude than its partner. At this point it appeared to suffer a substantial structural failure followed by a departure from controlled flight; the aircraft entered a dive from which it did not recover before impact with the sea.

There was no post-impact fire. No search was attempted due to lack of facilities, but the circumstances of the accident suggest that the pilot would have died on impact. The second aircraft proceeded successfully to its destination.

Analysis of Accident

Despite the elapsed time and total absence of surviving physical evidence it is felt that sufficient information exists to infer the sequence of events and the cause of the accident.

The novel composite structure of the aircraft was known to be the subject of physical restrictions on operating temperature. These restrictions had been carefully explained to the pilot before the flight. When the pilot climbed to a higher altitude the levels of ambient solar radiation probably led to these temperature restrictions being exceeded, resulting in a thermal degradation of the basic structure.

A progressive failure would have occurred, initial delamination of the upper skin material would have been be followed by a compressive failure of the upper mainspar. Brazier forces would then have extruded the internal wax core material leading to a catastrophic failure of the entire primary structure. This theory would help to explain why the second aircraft (at a lower altitude) experienced no such failure.

CAA Comment

This accident was clearly caused by an inexperienced pilot paying scant regard for the operational envelope of the airframe. Although the novel materials used in the airframe had strict limitations, these were well documented and explained to the pilot. It is regarded as significant that, despite the known thermal limitations of the materials used, no attempt had been made to protect the structure from infra-red radiation.

A layer of aluminised film over the outside of the structure would probably have prevented the accident by extending the operational envelope of the airframe. In view of this, and other, design deficiencies in the aircraft it is recommended that Form 100 signatory approval be withdrawn from this manufacturer.

It is further felt that from today (1/1/01) onwards no pilot should be permitted to attempt primary training flights as solo P1 on an experimental type. If this regulation had been in force at the time, Mr Icarus would probably not have attempted the flight.


The following eyewitness statement was made by Asticles, who was standing on the beach approximately 10 leagues away at the time of the accident. He reported seeing Greek Fire hit Icarus. Icarus then climbed an additional 150 rods before descending in a ball of fire.

Greek Navy Ship The Amphora in the vicinity reported that it was patrolling the area which is a known route for the Olive Oil smuggling trade. Testacles, the captain of The Amphora reported that ship had nothing to do with the incident and that all Greek Fire projectiles on board were accounted for.

And, since we can't really have an accident without a lawsuit...

(Vince Brannigan, slightly edited by Sarah Hotdesking)

Complaint in Product Liability, Negligence and Unlawful Detention


The deceased, Icarus, was killed while attempting to escape an unlawful imprisonment ergo Defendant King Minos is strictly liable for this death. The deceased was killed flying a defective homemade aircraft, designed and produced by the defendant Daedalus. The defendant's claim of the
plaintiffs causing his own death are not supportable.

The defendant, Daedalus, an expert inventor and engineer, affixed feathers to the wings with heat soluble wax. Alternative glues were known to the builder. Daedalus failed to consider alternative, more heat-tolerant, glues.

The warning given to the operator, Icarus, was inadequate given the age of the youth. In particular, the warning claimed to be given was "Icarus, my son, I charge you to keep at a moderate height, for if you fly too low the damp will clog your wings, and if too high the heat will melt them. Keep near me and you will be safe." This warning is in vague terms and failed to specify that melting the wings would lead to the death of the minor operator. Given the youthful age of the operator, it is critical that a warning be given in the clearest and most explicit language.

The only testimony supporting the claim that an oral warning was given is the self serving testimony of the negligent inventor. In any case a warning is inadequate if a safer non heat sensitive glue is available There was no clear definition of "moderate", "too high" or "too low" and the operator's experience was insufficient for him to determine the optimum altitude.

A water landing was a reasonably anticipated outcome of even a successful flight. No provision was made for a safe water landing. No safety equipment or training was provided.

Sources indicate that, notwithstanding the claim of instant injury, Icarus in fact drowned, Bullfinch states:

While his mouth uttered cries to his father it was submerged in the blue waters of the sea which thenceforth was called by his name. His father cried, "Icarus, Icarus, where are you?" At last he saw the feathers floating on the water, and bitterly lamenting his own arts, he buried the body and called the land Icaria in memory of his child.

The claims that flying higher caused the sun to melt the wax is based on "junk science" inadmissible in this litigation. There is no evidence at all that radian solar energy increases at the heights involved in this matter and if anything the atmosphere cools as the flyer ascends

Given these facts plaintiffs estate demands 1,000,000 gold pieces in damages. If Daedalus is proven to be the employer of Icarus, as well as father to the youth, a further sum may be payable due to Employer's Liability. There may also have been a breach of the Health and Safety at Work Act.

PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 8:22 am
by Gaius Iulius Tabernarius
Salve Mariusm,

:lol: That was Priceless! Especially the lawsuit part.

I need to start thinking up good roman joke.

Re: Roman Humor >({|;-)

PostPosted: Tue Dec 09, 2008 5:13 pm
by Tiberius Dionysius Draco

Re: Roman Humor >({|;-)

PostPosted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 6:49 am
by Aldus Marius
He's got the number of my vanity license plate!! (if/when I ever get one)
>({|:-D >({|:-D >({|:-D

Medusa's Morning

PostPosted: Thu Jan 01, 2009 7:50 pm
by Cleopatra Aelia
I found this link on the RAT forum and like it since it's a joke about Medusa (which is my arena name as a gladiatrix): ... 08977.html

Re: Roman Humor >({|;-)

PostPosted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 12:52 am
by Valerius Claudius Iohanes
Salvete, Quirites -

I take the dubious initiative of posting the world's worst Roman joke:

Q: How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
A: With a pair of Caesars!

Ut dixi, pessimus iocus! Valete.

Re: Roman Humor >({|;-)

PostPosted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 7:36 am
by Aldus Marius
I submit my own Worst-Joke entry (besides the one about the motion Censor - vide supra)...

Did the Romans really have an Empire? Or did they just build roads with REALLY wide shoulders?

*dodges thrown objects*

Re: Roman Humor >({|;-)

PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 2:34 pm
by Formosus Viriustus
Salve Quirites,

Here's an educational movie for all you history buffs.

Find out what really happened when Hannibal laid siege to Rome ...

Jupiter's Darling
Director : George Sidney
Starring : Esther Williams, Howard Keel, George Sanders

Fabius (George Sanders) loves his beautiful but vulnerable city, Rome, and he also loves his beautiful but invulnerable fiancee, Amytis (Esther Williams). Fascinated by the tales she has heard about Hannibal (Howard Keel), who is about to attack Rome, Amytis is driven by curiosity to the edge of his camp. Captured, she makes a last request of the indifferent Hannibal...that he spare the city. She offers to lead him to a hilltop where she can prove that taking the city is not worth the trouble. Hannibal goes with her, even though she has to cup her hand under his chin and float him across a river as he can't swim. Before long, Hannibal is doing more surveying of Amytis than of Rome. And Fabius finds he can defend neither his city nor his fiancee against the advances of Hannibal. Especially after he has his elephants painted bright colors because Amythis thinks gray is drab. Written by Les Adams {}

It's been a while since I have seen it. So I'll only add that there are plenty of Cunctator-jokes at the expense of poor Fabius. Of cause, in the best buffo tradition, all ends well and of cause, miss Williams gets plenty of chances to show her considerable swimming skills.

DEFINITELY worth your time if you run into it.

Ah, they still knew how to make movies when I was a kid (sigh).

find out more at

PS if you are a stickler for historical accuracy – and I know you are – with some looking round on this site, you can also find a three page review. It hardly says anything about the movie at all – except to point out it's innumerable inaccuracies. ( That will show those Hollywood morons ! )
And, with some minor editing, you have a ready made concise but accurate account of the Punic War II in case you should need such a thing.


Re: Roman Humor >({|;-)

PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 8:25 pm
by Formosus Viriustus

listen in ... 'Yeeess, we all know why you like that movie. It's because you have a soft spot for that miss Williams isn't it ? You pretend you like that movie because it is about history and because it's funny, at least that's what you say. I can't see any humour in it. What you really like is see that 'miss' Williams swim around in that scanty toga of hers isn't it - ha, if she's a 'miss', I'm a gladiatrix - and it seems they don't make decent toga's these days anymore ....'

(in the background) : (deep sigh)

Vale et nil desperandum,

Re: Roman Humor >({|;-)

PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 1:00 pm
by Formosus Viriustus
Coming soon to this theater :


Evil scientists have by genetic manipulation created a terrible monster ....


Unless ....

Quintus Maximus Invictus is a Roman Gladiator, brought forward from the past. He is fearless and he is a master at arms ....
He may be the only man able to take on the IMMORTAL GIBBON, get to it's only vulnerable spot and save humanity ....

But can he .....

(background) : Alright ! That's it ! I won't take it anymore ! I'm moving back to my mother's !


Re: Roman Humor >({|;-)

PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 3:21 pm
by Formosus Viriustus

Why is it called a bikini ? Well, you have one bikinus and one bikina. That's male plural.

Lion : Ah, no ! Not christians again ! (I'm sorry, this one might be as old as Methusalem by now, but I haven't heard it yet).

Why do present day politicians never get anything done ? Well, they think that Athens is the best example of democracy, don't they ? So they work by the Greek Calendar, don't they ? If only they would adopt our Roman ways ...

(in the background): Hello ? Yes ? Doctor ? He is at it again !

(me, very quietly) : Will that woman never stop with here hysterics ? Don't I have a right to just a little time to myself ? Never was a woman more aptly named indeed.
(louder) : Yeess, Xanthippe, I AM coming ...


Re: Roman Humor >({|;-)

PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 4:45 pm
by Formosus Viriustus
Salve amici,

Yesterday I ran into an old friend of mine. We got talking and, as soon as there was a short pause in the conversation about a thousand and one things, I – what do you think ? - mentioned that I had ventured into the strange world of internet fora. Since he is even older than I am, he wasn't too interested. I continued anyway and said : 'Yes, I stumbled upon this very interesting site about Ancient Rome ...' He looked at me with a wary eye and said : 'Of cause, what else ?' ' ... Anyway, that motorcycle I was talking about ....'

He knows I am all for the reinstatement of the Principate. ( Mind you, my fellow Republicans, not as an end goal in itself but as a temporary phase. Once order and peace are restored, we should of cause return to the really good old days. You see how my mind works ? )

I haven't been able to win him over to my point of view yet, but I keep working at it. He is a Republican at heart. If only he wasn't that interested in motorcycles and all that other modern stuff. What are they good for ?

( It's good to be away from that harpy for a few moments, my friends : I said I was going for a 'walk' )