Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

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Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby M Sempronia Pulla on Wed Jan 21, 2009 10:04 pm

Salvete Omnes!

Found this on a Facebook group of the same name and thought I should share.

You know you love ancient history a little too much when..

1) You can't wait until your 30th birthday, because then you get to enter the Senate.
2) You insult your siblings in Latin, and get away with it, because your parents have no idea what you said.
3) You know more about forum gossip than what's happening with celebrities today.
4) You made togas and/or greaves for your Barbies/GI Joes.
5) You say you're a republican.....and deliniate between boni and optimates.
6) You know who the boni and the optimates were.
7) You threaten to deny your enemies fire and water within 100 miles, and to throw them off the Tarpeian rock.
8) You think a toga is dead spammy.
9) You got excited as a child when you heard the Senate was debating on CSPANN, and were depressed when you didn't see the conscript fathers.
10) You can and do have an informed discussion on whether Caesar killed the republic, or whether Sulla and Marius set a precedent for him.
11) You can't resist pointing out, whenever democracy crops up in conversation (assuming you haven't initiated it) that Athens was a better example than modern societies.
12) You think calling someone an oligarch is a deadly insult.
13)You think that litigation is the answer to most problems, including ridding the world of troublesome politicians.
14) You can't wait till your 18th birthday, because you get the right to mouth off in public settings.
15) Mention of the Spartans is bound to provoke a negative reaction. Anyone who praises them is clearly an enemy of democracy. TRAITORS!
16) You know more about the infrastructures of ancient democracies than about the political system of your own country today.
17) You laugh at topical jokes in Aristophanes, especially ones about Cleon.
18) You dressed up like a Legionnaire for consecutive Halloweens. Your parents may or may not have claimed you were adopted when taking you around the neighborhood.
19) You find yourself identifying with the Greeks in to the point where you say things like "when we beat the Persians at Marathon" or "that damned Alexander".
20) You have the urge to date all materials as B.C.E.....if only **sigh**
21) You correct your high school teacher when she claims Octavian was the first emperor. You then digress into how Octavian and Augustus were the same person. People stare at you weirdly while you do so.
22) Your "To Do" list includes the item "take out those pesky Parthians - soon!" and yet it never gets done.
33) You can actually pronounce the names "Gaius Julius Caesar" and "Pompeius Magnus" correctly *and* are able to give a recap of why they turned from friends to enemies.
34) When in the voting booth, you write in the name Gracchi. You then complain because you think your tribe should have voted before all the other people standing in line.
35) You feel the need to conquer new lands, merely to add another descriptor to your name. Africanus, anyone?
36) You compare your significant other to one of your ancient heroes, and find them lacking.
37) Paul Cartledge is your GOD.
38) When you say "It's all Greek to me" it means you completely understand something.
39) You drop latin phrases into essays, casual conversations...and drunken texts/phone calls.

and finally......
You would tap any of the following men:
Sulla, Marius, Cato, Cicero, Scaurus, Pompey, Caesar, Titus Labenius, Marc Antony, Octavian/Augustus, Brutus, Alexander the Great, Phillip, Darius, Xerxes, Ptolemy, Crassus, Hannibal, Hamilcar, Hadsdrubal, Pliny, Plutarch....

Or Women:
Cleopatra, Fulvia, Aurelia, Arsinoe, Barsine, Roxanna, Livia Drusilla...
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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby Valerius Claudius Iohanes on Thu Jan 22, 2009 3:04 am

Salve, Marca Sempronia -

:lol: Those are good - :lol:

But I don't get the last part -
"You would tap any of the following men: Sulla, Marius, Cato,..."
Tap = ?
Touch on the shoulder?
Select for an office?

Mihi placuerunt.
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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby M Sempronia Pulla on Thu Jan 22, 2009 4:35 am

Salve Claudius Iohanes!

Tap is slang for have sex with. >({|;-)

Bene Vale!
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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby Valerius Claudius Iohanes on Fri Jan 23, 2009 7:35 pm

Mehercule! :oops:

Iam plus iargonis!

Thanks for setting me straight! Being of a 1955 vintage, I'm not always
current on the codewords!

Vale.
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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby M Sempronia Pulla on Tue Jan 27, 2009 3:39 pm

It's okay! I'm not always either, especially with net lingo, and I'm of a 1982 vintage hehe. :wink:
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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby Aldus Marius on Tue Jan 27, 2009 11:02 pm

(I had a point-by-point response, in living color, that I'd been working on for almost an hour when the kitten sat on the Back-key combo.

Aaaagghh!!!!

...I'll try again once I've completed the obligatory nine hours of mourning.) >({|X-(

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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby M Sempronia Pulla on Tue Jan 27, 2009 11:42 pm

Oh man, that's the worst when you're on the computer. It's experiences like that that have taught me to obsessively select all and copy whatever it is I'm writing that's long and not on a word processor (though I don't trust the automatic save either).The upside to loosing all the time and effort is that generally when you write it the second time around (if you do), your thoughts come out clearer if that's any consolation.
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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby Aldus Marius on Thu Jan 29, 2009 3:31 am

Salve, mi Sempronia, et Salvete omnes!

> The upside to loosing all the time and effort is that generally when you write it the second time around (if you do),
> your thoughts come out clearer if that's any consolation.


Eheu, that may be generally true...but for me, these things present special difficulties. Long ago I had what could be mildly termed a psychiatric episode. I lost 18 points of IQ, most of my social skills, my foreign language aptitude and a great deal of cognitive function, including short-term memory.

The Societas saw me through the whole ordeal, which is why this community will always hold a special place in my affections. The membership is well aware of my limitations, my shortcomings, and their patience has kept my online life workable for me. Webmastering for them gives me structure and keeps me sane. But nowadays, if it ain't in writing or sitting right in front of me, it doesn't exist.

I'm afraid that post is gone, amica. I shall try to compose a worthy successor. >({(:-)

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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby Aldus Marius on Thu Jan 29, 2009 10:05 am

Salve, mi Sempronia, et Salvete omnes!

OK, here we go; hopefully this'll be worth the wait...!


1) You can't wait until your 30th birthday, because then you get to enter the Senate.

Or, if you're my age, you take comfort in the fact that you're still not eligible for the Consulship.

2) You insult your siblings in Latin, and get away with it, because your parents have no idea what you said.

Or cuss fluently in traffic, and sound educated doing it...<g>

3) You know more about forum gossip than what's happening with celebrities today.

"Who or what is a [insert name of current pop icon], and why should I care?"

4) You made togas and/or greaves for your Barbies/GI Joes.

Not Barbies, per se...but I have a small artist's mannikin (an extensively jointed wooden model used to aid accurate drawing of the human form in various poses) who is very happy in his little camillus outfit. And I actually found and ordered an honest-to-goodness Roman GI Joe, in Legionary armor, from a catalog when I was still in Nova Roma!

5) You say you're a republican.....and delineate between boni and optimates.

I once advised Curator Servilius to wear his toga to a Young Republicans meeting if he had one...show 'em what the real thing looked like. But you've left out the populares! >({|;-)

6) You know who the boni and the optimates were.

And, having been in Nova Roma, had ample opportunity to tussle with them on just about everything!

7) You threaten to deny your enemies fire and water within 100 miles, and to throw them off the Tarpeian rock.

Check...and if I have been ill-treated in a town, I shake its dust off the soles of my caligae when I go.

8) You think a toga is dead spammy.

Or the army tunica; it levels the playing-field a bit--the ladies get to whistle at the mens' good-looking legs for a change!

10) You can and do have an informed discussion on whether Caesar killed the Republic, or whether Sulla and Marius set a precedent for him.

See my essay trilogy, "Cry Republic", in the Collegium Historicum section of the Web site... >({|:#)

11) You can't resist pointing out, whenever democracy crops up in conversation (assuming you haven't initiated it) that Athens was a better example than modern societies.

Na, but I brag on Roman technological advances quite a bit...and, Al Gore notwithstanding, we did invent the Internet.

12) You think calling someone an oligarch is a deadly insult.

It is...almost as bad as calling them a bonus!

13)You think that litigation is the answer to most problems, including ridding the world of troublesome politicians.

No time for that, and little inclination. I do, however, reserve my right to overthrow the government by fire and the sword, and to then auction the Presidency off to the highest bidder. <feg>

18) You dressed up like a Legionnaire for consecutive Halloweens.

Every autumn since 1993! I go around with a big sack and say I'm collecting "tribute from the Provinces". The Empire having fallen on hard times like everybody else, I do accept said tribute in the form of candy... "But isn't tax-time in April?" --Do you have any idea how long it takes to swim here from Rome in this get-up? ...Ahh, fun times. I usually win Best Costume, and people are in the habit of saving me something special.

19) You find yourself identifying with the Greeks in to the point where you say things like "when we beat the Persians at Marathon" or "that damned Alexander".

Marius, as we all know, Has No Greek(s), and does not trust them when they come bearing gifts. However, he consistently refers to the Roman Legions and their doings in first-person plural, present tense. >({|:-]

20) You have the urge to date all materials as B.C.E.....if only **sigh**

I date things twice when I date them at all...once CE, once AUC. I Romanise my wall calendar every year; I've been marking the nundinae since '92 or thereabouts (and Nova Roma's a few days off). I use an abacus as a pocket calculator, and a 'peg sundial' for a watch. And, sure enough, I don't seem to register any period of time shorter than about twenty minutes...which drove my boss-people cray when I was working!

21) You correct your high school teacher when she claims Octavian was the first emperor. You then digress into how Octavian and Augustus were the same person. People stare at you weirdly while you do so.

Actually, it was my college professor, and he asked me who Iunius Brutus' colleague was in the first Consulship. I got the weird look anyway.

22) Your "To Do" list includes the item "take out those pesky Parthians - soon!" and yet it never gets done.

Only 'cause I'm on a lifting restriction; my back, you know....>({|;-)

33) You can actually pronounce the names "Gaius Julius Caesar" and "Pompeius Magnus" correctly *and* are able to give a recap of why they turned from friends to enemies.

Think I should de-friend one of them in Facebook?

34) When in the voting booth, you write in the name Gracchi. You then complain because you think your tribe should have voted before all the other people standing in line.

Now, now, I know I'm a pleb...from a distant Province, yet. Thank goodness for the absentee ballot--! But the write-in, yes...I keep voting for Trajan or Vespasian.

35) You feel the need to conquer new lands, merely to add another descriptor to your name. Africanus, anyone?

Hmm...'Peregrinus' covers a lot of ground, don't you think? <g> (And I don't stick around long enough to have to administer any of it.)

36) You compare your significant other to one of your ancient heroes, and find them lacking.

"I don't ask much; just gravitas, dignitas, pietas, virtus and a rabid devotion to Disciplina...is that so hard??" *sniff*

39) You drop Latin phrases into essays, casual conversations...and drunken texts/phone calls.

Umm...does that prank call to the Vatican count? Just kidding...but I used to speak Latin to my sister's Hispanic business clients, and we understood each other just fine. I guess I am a geek!! >({(8-)

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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby M Sempronia Pulla on Fri Jan 30, 2009 5:24 pm

Salve Marius,

I'm sorry to hear that you have gone through a lot. I can honestly say that there is no sense of any of your struggles in your posts. In fact, you come off a lot clearer (and dare I say smarter ;) ) than a lot of people elsewhere. And well, your comments and jokes made the whole list even funnier. Keep strong!

Optime Vale
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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby Formosus Viriustus on Tue Feb 17, 2009 9:54 pm

Salve,

VERRY FUNNY !!!
Who said the Romans didn't have a sense of humour ?

How about :
You know you love ancient history a little too much when ...
You hear about some troubles at a soccer game in Istambul and your first thought is : Oh no ! Not the Nike-revolt all over again !
You boycot your local supermarket because they have 'La-vache-qui-rit'-cheese on the shelves.
You went to see 'The Passion of the Christ' and were really p***** off because they subtitled the whole d***** thing.

Speaking about movies, here's an oldie from the 60's. You probably all know it already, but never mind, I like telling it (an old man is but twice a child) :

Quinta meets her friend Sexta in the street.

Q. : 'Were are you going ?'
S. : 'I'm going to the movies.'
Q. : 'Which movie are you going to see ?'
S. : 'Quo Vadis ?'
Q. : 'What does that mean ?'
S. : 'Where are you going ?'
Q. : 'I'm going to the movies.'
S. : 'Which movie are you going to see ?'
Q. : 'Quo Vadis ?'
S. : 'What does that mean ?'
Q. : 'Where are you going ?'
S. : 'I'm going to the movies.'
Q. : 'Which movie are you going to see ?'
S. : 'Quo Vadis ?'
Q. : 'What does that mean ?'
S. : 'Where are you going ?'

.... ad nauseam

(Can anyone translate this joke into Latin for me? ;-))

Vale,

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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby Valerius Claudius Iohanes on Wed Feb 18, 2009 3:07 am

What IS the neo-Latin for "movie"? Hmmm.
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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby Aldus Marius on Wed Feb 18, 2009 9:56 am

Salve, clare Formose!

> Who said the Romans didn't have a sense of humour ?

Nobody 'round here! We've got a whole Roman Humor thread just waiting to serve up the groans and grins. >({|;-)

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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby Formosus Viriustus on Thu Feb 19, 2009 10:56 am

Salve conviatores !

(Don't blame ME, it's YOU who started all this nonsense.)

You know you love ancient history a little too much when ...

You try to remove the U- and W-keys from your keyboard with a screwdriver.
You have more than 3 e-mail adresses with fictitious Roman names.
You correct someone at a drunken toga party who says 'It's a regular vomatorium in the bath room' and explain what that word really means.
You defend you riotious behaviour at a scientific symposium by saying 'Well, it's supposed to be a drunken orgy'.
You go to a talent show and you insist on seeing the ingots. That's what you came for.
You have no trouble at all locating Pannonia, Paphlagonia and Parthia but you have no idea where Paraguay is.
You ask riddles of the kind 'My uncle is also my brother,and my grandfather's mother is also my aunt, who am I ?' The answer invariably being 'Cleopatra !'
You keep harrassing joggers who wear Asics sports shoes to explain to them that those letters stand for 'Anima sana in corpore sano' and what that means.
You keep harrasing joggers who wear Nike sports shoes to explain to them where they got the idea for that name from. Preferrably the whole Battle of Marathon. You pronounce Nike correctly so that no one knows what you're on about.
You off handedly remark that 'Of cause, Thucydides has written that story down 2400 years ago, already' whenever World War II, the Cold War, any war, comes up in conversation.
You never fail to point out that the Thespians fought just as valiantly at the Firy Gates as the Spartans did, but that their contribution has been maliciously ignored and oh, by the way, they weren't really called Spartans ...
You tell people scornfully that as long as you have 300 triremes at your disposal, you can have a city anywhere you want.
You sigh 'Another victory like that and we're done for' every time your local sports team wins a narrow game.
You ask whether they mean murmillo's, samnites, thracians or retiarii as soon as anybody mentions gladiators. 'Be specific please' - 'Well, you don't usually refer to humans as 'mammals', do you ?'
You won't rest until we have Modern Nemeic, Modern Pythic and Modern Isthmic Games too.
You never ever use the names Plato or Aristoteles. You invariably call the first one Aristocles and the last one the Stagirite, just to confuse people.
You ruthlessly remove anyone who thinks that a Stagirite is a kind of drip rock formation from your adress book and cell phone. Of cause you do the same with people who think that a cataphract is an eye disease. Being under twelve is no excuse.


Siste ! Siste !

Vale bene et nil desperandum,

Formosus
Last edited by Formosus Viriustus on Thu Feb 19, 2009 8:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby Formosus Viriustus on Thu Feb 19, 2009 8:37 pm

Salve omnes,

I must make my excuses and correct myself here : I did mix up Cleopatra's grandfather's mother with her grandmother's mother. An easy mistake to make, since they were sisters. Oh, and did I mention that Cleopatra was not Egyptian ...

(Sirens howl, men in white coats rush in) ..
I have to leave you here, dear friends

Vale et nil disperandum,
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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby Aldus Marius on Fri Feb 20, 2009 4:39 am

Salve iterum, mi Formose!

Or: You go to the record/CD store (vae, I'm dating myself) and see a whole wall labelled "Latin Music", and get angry when you find out they're all in Spanish. (Ita, I've posted that one elsewhere, but it fits here too!)

> You try to remove the U- and W-keys from your keyboard with a screwdriver.

It doesn't take a screwdriver. >({|;-)

Anyone up for a game of Latin Scrabble? Take all the U's, W's, J's, and blank-letter tiles and make them into V's and I's. You don't need as many K's and X's as the game comes with either. You will, however, need more Q's. >({|8-]

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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby Formosus Viriustus on Fri Feb 20, 2009 2:59 pm

Salve amici,

Of cause,
You de-friend anyone who still has a J-key on their keyboard. Being a Roman you don't go for half measures.

I do have to admit to some of the above.

I am still fond of telling about the Thespians at Thermopylae, the family tree of Cleopatra and so on whenever I get the chance, whether people are interested or not.
I also used to invariably make the Thucydides remark whenever either World War II or the Cold War came up, which is not seldom. But I have been able to give that up largely : my doctor said I was taking things a bit too far. I still have occasional relapses though.

And yes, the Nike sports shoes story is taken from real life. Many many moons ago I was at a seminar and one of the other attendants was a marketing rep for Nike sports wear. During a short brake she had gathered around her an attentive audience that was interested in her Company – or her, for short, who can say ? When she put to her listeners the rethorical question (that's what she tought, anyway) : 'Do you know were they got that name from ?', I cut the grass right from under her feet. First of cause giving a brief account of the reasons for the invasion. That's how mean I can be ! Needless to say I didn't get lucky with her.

Vale bene et nil desperandum
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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby Formosus Viriustus on Fri Feb 20, 2009 8:03 pm

Salve,

listen in ... 'that's SO typical of you isn't it ? Always going on and on and on about the Thespians, always the Thespians, and never mentioning the helots. Didn't they do a brilliant job too ? Disowning your own background. Ah, don't get me started on that one ....'

Vale,
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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby Formosus Viriustus on Fri Feb 20, 2009 10:27 pm

Salve,

You know you love ancient history a little too much when ...
You bring up 'the Immortal Gibbon' whenever there is more than one of you. You think that those who don't know who 'the Immortal Gibbon' is should be ostracized for ten years. As to those who in general pay little attention to what you're saying and think that you are talking about some freak genetic experiment some mad scientist has thought up, that's pretty simple : they should be crucified along the Via Appia !

No more ! Please ! To the quarries with him !

Vale et nil desperandum,
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Re: Hilarious Lovers of Ancient Rome Jokes

Postby Formosus Viriustus on Sat Feb 21, 2009 8:11 am

Salve,

You know you love ancient history a little too much when ...

You have discussions about the four-Emperor-year and Latin grammar with your imaginary friends. (All your real life friends completely turn off as soon as you get onto one of those subjects. You know they do. Yet you keep trying again and again. Why won't they see how interesting all that stuff is ? (sigh ) We Romans bear a heavy load. It's a good thing we invented the internet - as well as everything else.)

Vale,
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